I started online dating in the spring of 2015. I thought it was okay. There were a lot of guys looking for sex, and very few men looking for a relationship. Of course, I was looking for a relationship. Which meant wading through piles, and piles of unsolicited dick pics.
Along with many wasted conversations “small talking” before he mentioned wanting sex. I was hoping that this struggle would bear fruit. It took me a while, but I eventually thought I had found the most perfect piece of fruit.
For his protection, within this piece I will be calling my “suitor” Greg. Greg was a cute bartender at one of the most popular restaurants in town. His profile picture even included his dog. I thought I had hit the jackpot. Me, a plucky virgin fifty pounds overweight, and him an attractive bartender with a cute dog. I cannot elaborate how much of a mistake I had made.
At the time, I was very stuck on the fact that he seemed to like me. I had never expected that. My friends, who knew him, tried to tell me differently, but I wouldn’t listen. I was smitten with Greg. I liked Greg, and he seemed to like me. Why should I have listened to my friends? Because they were right.
Greg was terrible, I realize it now. He drank, he smoked a lot of weed (his whole house smelled like a skunk), he wasn’t very nice to his dog, and he wasn’t very nice to me. I wish I would have realized that he wasn’t into me sooner, but I am also grateful for the experience. I now know what to get away from when talking about dating a guy, and I now know what I need in the bedroom.
I am going to get into the nitty-gritty of my sexual experiences with him, so if you’re squeamish (or my mother) I would switch to a different article. If you are interested in how a first sexual experience can shape someone’s sexuality, read on.
Before I tell you about my sexual experiences with Greg, I think it would be useful to tell you a bit about myself first. I am a fairly tall woman with a plain face, and crazy hair who could lose a few pounds. I had, for the longest time, thought myself ugly. When this attractive man took an interest in me, I was beyond belief. I had never been physically intimate with anyone before six months prior, and I still didn’t believe that anyone could be interested in me physically. Which is why, I believe, I was so stuck on Greg.
We never went on an actual date. We only ever hung out at his place. This should have been my first warning sign, but we were both broke so I understood. We were “intimate” on our first date. I do not mean we had sex, but we did a lot. He was the first man to go down on me so that was okay. We had sex about two weeks later. I don’t know what number I was for him, but he was my first. It was awful. No foreplay, just straight to the point. His dog was in the room the whole time. His roommate almost walked in on us. I wish it was better, but I didn’t think to speak up at the time. It was over in five minutes and then we went to sleep. The next time we slept together he made me leave after (which should have been another red flag). I didn’t think anything of it. I was just happy to be finally having sex, even if it was mediocre.
He stopped talking to me after that. A week later, a friend of mine who knew him let me know he had went on a date with someone else. I was devastated. I had just done this thing, that society puts up on a pedestal with this man who I really liked when he goes to the zoo with someone else a week later. I am not going to lie to you I cried, and I was very petty via text message. I was so distraught that I had been so betrayed by this man. If it was to happen at this point in my life, I would just be done with him. A year ago, not so much. That is part of the reason that even though he was a terrible person, I am thankful for experiencing him, because now I know that I deserve better.
This was really a turning point in my sexual identity. I had lost my “virginity” to him, but who cares? I have had sex hundreds of times since then, each one better than the last. Why should I let this first time dictate my entire sexual identity? I didn’t.
I let this experience be a learning one for me. I learned that my virginity didn’t matter, I learned that I needed to be not so blinded by my partners, and most importantly I learned that I needed to have a voice in the bedroom.
When I had sex with Greg, I let him do everything, and call all of the shots. I learned later that the sex would have been much more pleasurable if I would have given him more input, and directions on what I needed. Now, I have absolutely no problem with letting a partner know what I need to have an orgasm.
I have two pieces of advice for anyone looking to become sexually active (besides using protection). The first is that virginity doesn’t matter. It is a man made construct that has absolutely no medical grounds. If you want to be sexually active, as long as everyone is a consenting adult, there is no reason you shouldn’t. Don’t think about how your mom, or dad would feel about you having sex. Think about yourself. My second piece of advice is to always communicate with your partner. If you don’t like something let them know, and take guidance from them if they need something. It takes two to do the act, and believe me that the sex will be much more earth shattering if there is communication, and both parties care about how the other feels.