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I am NOT a man without a penis (by Nicky Douglas)

I sit down to pee.

If you think that’s a silly remark to make, you’d be surprised at the number of women who  don’t anymore.

Or perhaps you wouldn’t if you’re one of them!

I mean with the proliferation of FUDs (Female Urinary Devices) – the Shenis, the Knows Hose, etc. –  most of which resemble funnels. The fat end you put in the vicinity of your urethra, the thin end (the ‘spout’) then delivers your urine to the toilet or a urinal.

It’s supposed to (a) look and act like a penis, and so (b) prevent you having to queue, disrobe and squat over a filthy toilet seat. And it’s been said to be the greatest thing ever at festivals, where you can pee into a trough like a man. Even while standing next to one!

BUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE FEMALE BODY? 

Some of you may be thinking, Wow! An Improvement!

But I think they are unnecessary, unsanitary, unsightly and UNFEMININE!

I don’t know about you, but I NEED a toilet to urinate in (preferably sitting down for comfort and efficiency), I NEED privacy (yes, partly to remove my clothing, but partly because, well, I’m not an animal – or a man!), and I NEED a wad of paper.

And it’s not rocket science to either know that or provide it!

Bodies have always needed such – and for centuries facilities have been provided for it. Not enough, but THAT’s the point. We need money spent on providing us with the toilets, the washrooms, the sinks, the dryers AND the paper. Not money spent on making devices that turn us into men with fake penises or risk us being accused of having penis envy.

Because we’re NOT men. We’re WOMEN. And – hello? – it’s a different sex with a different body. One that doesn’t go bald, doesn’t grow hair on its chin, doesn’t have a glaring Adam’s Apple, and DOESN’T pee standing up!

For bodies that DO, there are urinals in their hundreds, troughs in schools and colleges and, well, the whole world to spray.

BUT FOR THOSE POOR BODIES THAT DON’T HAVE PENISES?

Well there are queues of people waiting to have a few seconds in a flimsy stall, praying that they don’t need to do more in there, hoping that there’s still enough paper left, and – eventually – holding their clothes above the wet floor.

And the authorities think that the answer to that is a plastic funnel that we can push into our privates and then stand, dripping pee?

I don’t think so.

Here’s the solution: a simple law passed throughout the world which says that in women’s rooms, the number of working private stalls with toilets and paper MUST equal the number of urinals and stalls combined in men’s rooms.

And authorities must provide toilets for each sex everywhere that people eat, drink, work, or study.

They’ve only had 2000 years to understand that.

NICKY DOUGLAS

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